


Great British Baking Show: School's on Holiday Edition

by Mx_Maneater



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (which says a lot frankly), Also Hannukah which is not a tag, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Bad Puns, Baking, Christmas, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Lovers, Food Fight, Guess who serves as Paul Hollywood I DARE you, Hogwarts Culinary Institute, Holidays, If you only read one work by me, Inspired by The Great British Bake Off, Judaism as a metaphor for Muggleborns which were originally a metaphor for Judaism, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Stress Baking, The Great British Bake Off References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:08:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28080693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/pseuds/Mx_Maneater
Summary: For our final three bakers, tensions are rising higher than bread - but thankfully, they won't have to worry about that this time, because it'sbiscuitsweek in the tent!  The finalists have been asked to create some holiday treats that will wow even the judges: a tall order, givenwhothey have to impress.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 27
Kudos: 49





	Great British Baking Show: School's on Holiday Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, thank you to anyone who was led to click on this story because they find the concept as entertaining as I do! (And I sincerely apologize to my faithful readers of SIFLEOY - which I put on pause for a few weeks to write this.) I've had this idea floating around my head for over a year now, and given the amount of GBBO I've been watching this holiday season, I figured now was as good a time as any to get it down into words.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this magnum opus o' mine.

#  **Great British Baking Show: _School’s on Holiday Edition_**

##  ** Episode 9 **

  


**** **Signature**

[Scene dawns on the lovable red-headed emcees, FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY, smiling as they hold neatly bundled holiday biscuit packages up in front of their faces. Snowmen and reindeer shimmer delicately through the cellophane, and the homey festivity of the scene plays upon the audience’s familial nostalgia. They peek at each other from behind the biscuits.]

FRED: Hey, George – feeling a little crisp today, isn't it?

GEORGE: Crisps? I thought you told me to leave the potatoes at home!

FRED: Not crisps – _crisp_. Think, ‘hard.’ Think ‘snappy.’

GEORGE: Oh…it’s biscuits week, isn’t it?

FRED: Indeed, brother mine, indeed. Let’s snap to it.

FRED AND GEORGE: [in unison, turning to face camera] Welcome to biscuits week! 

[The scene fades into the logo, announcing ‘Great British Baking Show: _School’s on Holiday_ _Edition_.’ The opening video plays, featuring a montage of mixing batters and spreading them in pans while a child paws at each ingredient before it is added. Beyond their unwashed hands, we see blurred fairy lights that could be coming from a tree, but the ambiguity of soft focus makes it ‘inclusive’ – on paper, at least, if not in practice.]

FRED: Alright, bakers! Welcome back for another week – and enjoy it while you can, because it is your last. Congratulations on reaching the _finals!_

[The camera pans to take in the proud, determined faces of HARRY POTTER, DRACO MALFOY, and CEDRIC DIGGORY. HARRY looks slightly nervous, while DRACO has composed his face into an attentive, expressionless mask. CEDRIC beams at the emcees, blissfully unaffected by the pressure of the finals.]

GEORGE: Yes, yes. It’s all terribly exciting. But what’s _more_ exciting is diving into your last signature challenge. Contestants, you’d better get ready to stomp on some glasses, because this week’s challenge is to make 36 perfect rugelach.

FRED: You can do one flavor or multiple – the limit here is your imagination, folks. But they must be uniform in size, shape, and deliciousness. 

GEORGE: You have 3 hours. On your mark-

FRED: Get set…

GEORGE: Mazel tov!

[The bakers scramble to ready their mixers, while the camera cuts to a confessional aside with the judges. LORD VOLDEMORT and MINERVA MCGONAGALL smile pleasantly at one another before elaborating on their challenge.]

MINERVA: Rugelach are a versatile biscuit, but they can be tricky to get right. The pastry has to be buttery, the bottoms have to be crisp, and the filling layer must be quite even before they’re rolled. To get 36 _identical_ rugelach takes precision – and, beyond that, they also have to _taste_ good. 

VOLDEMORT: As a half-Jewish man myself, I’ve been making rugelach for the better part of sixty years, so I know exactly how difficult they can be to get right. If you don’t have a tight enough roll, the filling can drip out and cause leakage, which will be the number one hurdle the bakers will have to overcome. We’re looking for _perfection_ here, and perfection means no soggy bottoms. [His red, piercing eyes bore directly into the camera for several beats beyond what is comfortable.]

[It cuts to CEDRIC, humming relaxedly as he stirs his dry ingredients into his butter. The judges appear at his work station, along with GEORGE.]

GEORGE: Hullo Cedric! Why don’t you tell us about your flavors of rugelach?

CEDRIC: Of course. I’ve decided to make two separate doughs to go along with my two different sets of rugelach – one sweet and one savory. My savory dough is going to be seasoned with black pepper and parmesan, and the filling is going to be a homemade traditional pesto. For my sweet one, I find that taking inspiration from the flavors that would typically be used in ‘baklava’ works really well – so I’m doing a honey and walnut filling, and then adding little bits of honeycomb to the dough itself. When I’ve practiced it at home, I’ve always had biscuits to spare. 

GEORGE: Hah hah, well we’ll gladly ‘kill’ those spares for you backstage, if you know what I mean. [He winks poorly, aimed directly at the camera.]

VOLDEMORT: Do you have any plan to keep your honey from spilling out into the pan and making your dough too wet on the bottom?

CEDRIC: It hasn’t been an issue at home! I’ve had my girlfriend, Cho, taste them, and she assures me that they’ve been crisp. I know how you hate soggy bottoms, Voldemort. 

VOLDEMORT: Hmph. Well, we’ll see when they come out.

MINERVA: We will, won’t we? 

[Freeze frame. The scene changes to a highly-staged ‘day in the life’ of CEDRIC at home. A fan favorite, the earlier mention – and now visual evidence – of his girlfriend is doubtlessly breaking thousands of hearts across the nation. She appears, beautiful and laughing, in the cozy kitchen set-up, and they begin to throw flour at each other in a highly impractical yet also highly endearing food battle.]

VOICE-OVER: Cedric learned to love baking from an early age from his father, Amos, and now shares that passion with his girlfriend, Cho. He is a senior at Hogwarts Culinary Institute in Scotland and has received multiple job offers from patisseries in both France and Switzerland for when he graduates. Still deciding where he’d like to go, Cedric is enjoying his remaining days at school and relaxes by volunteering at the local reptile-and-migratory-birds animal shelter and playing racquetball with his friends. Last year, he also started a nonprofit that focuses specifically on feeding hungry Labradors in Liverpool, and he continues to oversee that on the weekends. In addition to his own charity, he also fundraises for several other tertiary charities like Orphans of Liverpool, Liverpool Healthcare for All™, and the ‘Let’s Make Bridge Club Exciting Again’ Granny Club of Liverpool. An honors student through and through, Cedric also runs his own tutoring service at Hogwarts Culinary, which services over 200 students each semester! [aside] Busy boy, isn’t he?

AMOS: I just wanted to say how proud I am of my boy. I’ve always told him to follow his dreams and that he’d be the best at whatever he chose, and it’s so gratifying to see that that’s absolutely the case. [tearing up] My Cedric is the best boy in the whole world, and he’s going to win it for sure! In fact, he’s already beaten that Harry Potter in multiple school-level bake-offs – let me tell you about the time he won with a fried banana torte with bourbon-reduced caramel-

[Cut back to the tent, where the bakers are furiously mixing their batters. The judges appear next to DRACO’S work station, where he is meticulously measuring sugar and scraping the excess off the cup with the back of a knife.]

FRED (?): [the emcees are wearing the same outfit, and with the camera cuts, the audience has lost track of who is who] Wotcher, Draco! 

DRACO: [huffs impressively, but does not look up from his measuring] Hullo. 

FRED (?): So, what’re you making for us today?

DRACO: [Reluctantly, he puts down his measuring implements, though his hands drum on the table with impatient energy.] I’m making three different kinds of rugelach with three separate doughs. The first will be a chocolate and peppermint rugelach with chocolate dough, cream filling, and crushed fresh peppermint leaves. The second is going to use a traditional dough and be paired with a strawberry-rhubarb filling, topped with candied ginger and bits of gold leaf. And the final one is going to be a savory one, combining an herby, smoky paprika dough with a thin layer of stilton and jamón ibérico.

MINERVA: That sounds like an awful lot. [She pushes her squared-off spectacles higher on the bridge of her nose.] Are you going to be able to make all three doughs and get them chilling with enough time to complete the bake?

DRACO: When I’ve done the timed runs at home, I’ve been going a little over. But I’ve written myself a new timetable, so if I adhere to it, I think I’ll be okay. 

VOLDEMORT: Stilton and jamón? Going for some classic Malfoy Inc. flavors, I see. 

[DRACO’s expression shutters, but he continues to work at a controlled yet speedy pace. The screen freezes, then morphs into an opulent professional kitchen with employees running every which way in pristine white uniforms. DRACO stands in the foreground, whipping cream by hand, while the immaculate chef’s hat on his head impressively does not even waver.]

VOICE-OVER: Draco’s family, owners and founders of Malfoy Inc., have provided quality chefs and service to their fourteen hotel restaurant locations for going on two decades. Draco’s mother, Narcissa, oversees logistics and budgeting, while his father, Lucius, manages the customer experience division. He also serves on the board of trustees for Hogwarts Culinary Institute, leading him to recommend that Draco go there to further his studies before joining the family business in a more formal capacity. Draco, now a junior at Hogwarts, spends all of his free time baking and testing out new recipes.

LUCIUS: [caught in the lobby of what appears to be a very expensive hotel] Hmm, Draco? Yes, he’s a fine chef. More suited to meats and preparatory work than the baking he entertains himself with. I plan to start him out in cold meats when he graduates, and if he proves himself with that, then maybe we can sit down and reassess. [He adjusts his wrinkleless satin gloves and gives the camera a terse nod before turning to go.]

[Cut to a grandiose office with awards lining the walls.]

NARCISSA: Draco is a lovely boy – always has been. He and his father both have a lot of professional pride, which is why there is sometimes…friction between them. I just want him to be happy, so I’m glad he’s made it so far on this show. Perhaps, if anything will convince Lucius that he’s got a pastry chef for a son rather than a sous chef, it will be this.

[Cut back to tent in a confessional aside.]

VOLDEMORT: Frankly, I’m worried for Draco. He’s shown us a lot of technical skill over the past eight weeks, but he also struggles with finding his own flavors. I’ve had the opportunity to work with Lucius in both professional and personal capacities, and I know his cooking very well. The classic Malfoy Inc. flavors are delicious, yes, but I want to see something _more_ from Draco. I want to see some originality from him that transcends his father’s dishes. He has the potential – but whether he’ll use it or not is up to him.

[The judges approach HARRY’S work station, hesitating as he dumps several cups of flour into the mixing bowl, sending up a white cloud several feet in every direction. He looks up, grinning good-naturedly when he sees the emcee.]

HARRY: Hello!

GEORGE (?): Heya Harry! What’ve you got cooking?

HARRY: Well, Fred, I’ve got one ‘tried and true’ dough here that I’m going to use for all six of my rugelach varieties. 

~~GEORGE (?)~~ FRED: _Six?_ Did you just say _six?_

HARRY: [laughs sheepishly] That’s right. I’m going to make six different fillings to represent each of the six points of the Jewish star...and they _also_ kind of represent a chronological tour through the Jewish holidays? My late mother was Jewish, so my selection is kind of an homage to her.

FRED: Okay, I’m intrigued. Tell me everything.

HARRY: So to start, I’m doing a honeyed apple one for Rosh Hashanah. Then, I’m doing a savory lox and cream cheese one for Yom Kippur, topped with capers. Next is a lemon and heart of palm one in honor of the etrog and lulav at Sukkot. Moving along to Purim, I’m planning a sweet poppy seed filling like would traditionally be used in hamantaschen. For Passover, I’m planning an egg salad filling that incorporates horseradish to represent the meal at the Seder. And, finally, I’m doing one with freshly-harvested fruit for Shavuot. I couldn’t find too many wild fruits this time of year, so I’m actually just going to be using some wild strawberries I found along the roadside and seeing what I can throw in to up their flavor. 

MINERVA: That sounds rather ambitious. [She fidgets with her tartan shawl, clearly critical of his flavor choices, but says nothing more.]

VOLDEMORT: Remember what I’ve been telling you: quality over quantity. If you present me with 36 biscuits all with soggy bottoms, then you’ll be giving up the competition before the other challenges even start.

HARRY: I’ll remember that, sir. Thank you.

[Freeze frame. The scene shifts to a pleasantly crowded cottage filled with a red-headed family along with HARRY. Emcees FRED and GEORGE are present, as well as former contestants RON and GINNY. Their mother, and well-beloved baking show host, MOLLY WEASLEY, steps into the frame with a pan of piping hot scones to entice the audience. In the background, we see the famed ‘Weasley Clock’ with a different family member’s face over each of the numbers; it is currently pointed to ‘Charlie-o’clock.’]

VOICE-OVER: Harry began working with the Weasleys after becoming friends with Ron back in secondary school. Initially, he started working part-time at their family bakery in between his studies, but he eventually moved in with them as well in order to avoid a bad situation at home. The Weasleys gladly took Harry in, and he’s been dedicating himself to learning his new family’s trade ever since. He is currently a junior at Hogwarts Culinary, and he excels in bread and ‘unique’ fondant sculptures.

MOLLY: Harry’s a good boy, he really is. Much more polite than my own sons – they could stand to learn a thing or two from him. [She glares pointedly off-screen where we hear a crash and some laughter. Then, fondness softens her expression once more.] But he’s also very dedicated and works with a sort of chaotic creativity that I’ve never seen rivalled in the field. I have full confidence that he’ll make it through to the end. He’s destined for great things.

PERCY WEASLEY: Harry’s good at what he does. I wanted to be there today to support him – I offered to emcee for the finals in place of Fred and George, but they… _declined_ in a most uncouth fashion, which I will not repeat on the telly for decency’s sake. But no matter. Harry will do well, as long as he tunes out my brothers’ shenanigans and focuses on his bake. [A timer dings in the background, and PERCY turns to pull a tray of impossibly-identical mini soufflés out of the oven.] There we go!

[Cut to the tent, where bakers are slamming their doughs into the pastel fridges to cool. Time has been very crunched up to this point, but they now have a rare moment of respite before starting their fillings.]

DRACO: It takes at least two hours to chill the dough before you can bake it, so we’ve got a bit of waiting time. I’ll work on my fillings, of course, but I can’t make the cream too far in advance, or it’ll deflate.

[cut]

CEDRIC: [sips from a cup of tea] It’s all going splendidly! I’m just grinding up my pesto now. [He gives the food processor a whirl for a second, then smiles conspiratorially up at the camera.] I know Voldemort isn’t crazy about basil, but I’m hoping my recipe convinces him.

[cut]

HARRY: I know the others are taking a bit of a breather, but now is when I have to rush the most in order to get all my fillings done in time. [He swipes at a dot of cream cheese that has somehow ended up on the tip of his nose. Endearingly, he only manages to smear it across his cheekbone instead.] I’m still not sure about my flavors for the wild strawberry one, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. [We see DRACO rolling his eyes from the work bench behind him, annoyed expression flitting across his face.]

DRACO: [confessional] Potter never plans anything, yet somehow always skates by uncriticized. It’s like that at the Institute, it’s like that at the internships, and it’s like that here. I’ve seen teachers pass him for things that would’ve been _lambasted_ had I presented them. [He sniffs, mouth twisting with bitterness.] His work is sloppy, his flavors are _experimental_ , and if he wasn’t Britain’s favorite orphan baker, then he wouldn’t have even made it onto this show in the first place.

HARRY: [confessional] Malfoy’s a bit…uptight, to say the least. We don’t get along at school, no. There’ve been several incidents in which he’s called me a ‘classless orphan’ or insulted Molly’s recipes, and I’ve sort of lost it at him. He doesn’t get along with our classmates very well either – I think it has something to do with being raised by a pair of rich restaurant tycoons with the expectation that he will inherit their culinary kingdom someday soon… It’s _grating_ , is how I’d put it.

FRED: [confessional aside, shot outside the tent] I actually slipped a Go-Pro into Harry’s apron when he was home last week, so we have some exemplary footage from Hogwarts to share in order to shed light on Harry and Draco’s school rivalry.

GEORGE: Oh, this is bound to be good. Was it the famed Crème Anglaise Catastrophe that rocked the student body to its core?!

FRED: It just might be, George. It just might be…

[Cut to shaky point-of-view footage from the waist pocket of HARRY’s apron. The camera flashes over a classroom full of students, all whisking pots of cream on the stove. It lingers on DRACO for a moment – two benches away – before wheeling around to view the edge of HARRY’s own station. His hands come into view as he whisks his own mixture.]

TEACHER’S VOICE: [muffled, vaguely familiar] Remember to add your hot milk mix in small doses to the egg – otherwise it’ll cook and turn to scrambled eggs. 

STUDENT A: [whispers] His _brain_ is turning to scrambled eggs.

STUDENT B: Lol. Good one. 

[HARRY sighs and continues whisking. All of a sudden, the camera jerks away from the pot and catches the tail end of DRACO, retreating.]

HARRY: Hey! Give that back!

DRACO: [Turning smugly from his own work station with a rubber spatula held prominently in his grip.] I needed an extra, and they always ply you with an excess of the best materials.

HARRY: They do _not!_ I brought extras from home, so I wouldn’t need to wash the same one so many times!

DRACO: Well, you won’t be using _this_ one, so you won’t have to worry about washing it. 

HARRY: You-

TEACHER: Potter, what are you doing? Get back to your station. [His voice is sharp enough here that the audience can recognize it as former contestant SEVERUS SNAPE even without him stepping into frame.]

[The camera whirls around as Harry tromps back to his pot. The milk is bubbling and brown around the edges – clearly burnt.]

HARRY: [under his breath] Oh, brilliant. * _Bleep_ *ing lovely. Malfoy, you * _bleep_ *.

[He pours the mixture down the sink and sets his pot up to start again. He gets it right this time, turning off the stove and setting the milk aside to cool slightly. The audience would probably assume that he’d use this time to prepare the eggs for the custard, but the audience would be wrong. The camera has turned again to take in DRACO, studiously whisking his mixtures together in increments. We can almost feel HARRY’s thought process and the moment he decides not to leave well-enough alone.]

HARRY: [sneaks up behind DRACO and jostles him as he reaches past him for a whisk at his station] Sorry – just needed to borrow something. [In knocking DRACO, he has just caused the man to spill the entirety of his hot milk mixture into the eggs, and curdling is immediately visible.]

[DRACO turns slowly, fury warring with flecks of uncooked custard across his face. His mouth is set in an unmoving white line, and then his face disappears from view as he lunges closer than the frame can take in. The camera tilts wildly, like DRACO might be grabbing HARRY by the apron, and the world is suddenly full of noise.]

SEVERUS: What is going on over there? Draco – no!

DRACO: You privileged * _bleep_ * - you think you can just wreck my custard?! Unlike you, I work hard on my bakes!

HARRY: _Privileged?_ You’re really calling _me_ privileged? I’m sure if you fail, you’ll just have ‘daddy’ buy you a better grade!

STUDENT C: Not again…

DRACO: I’ve earned _everything_ I’ve achieved here at this school! I have not used my father’s acclaim _once_ – unlike your constant name-dropping of Molly, Britain’s baking sweetheart! 

HARRY: She’s my _family!_ I’m not name-dropping, I’m talking about my _life!_

DRACO: Well maybe no one wants to hear about your cloyingly _perfect_ life!

HARRY: MY LIFE ISN’T PERFECT. I’M AN ORPHAN – AS YOU KEEP BLOODY REMINDING ME! 

[HARRY’s hand reaches out and grabs the pot of remaining cream. In an angry, flourishing slash, he sprays DRACO directly in the face – and half the classroom as well. DRACO sputters in nameless horror.]

DRACO: You * _bleep_ *. [He is a sudden whirlwind of motion as he grabs the nearest pot off the work station behind him and upends it over HARRY in retaliation. The camera is now covered in goo, but we hear the shrieks and clangs continue until the feed mercifully cuts out.]

[The camera refocuses on FRED and GEORGE behind the contestant’s tent.]

GEORGE: Well, that was enlightening. It seems that more is at stake today between those two than a set of perfect biscuits. 

FRED: It seems so, George. [He raises a conspiratorial eyebrow.] Maybe today’s battle can settle things between them once and for all. 

[Cut back to the tent, where CEDRIC is sipping merrily at his cup of tea as he rolls out his dough, while HARRY and DRACO are furiously evening their fillings with palette knives.]

GEORGE: Bakers, you have 45 minutes remaining! 45 minutes.

[Cue a montage of hands shaking and fingers slipping as the bakers cut their rugelach. DRACO holds a protractor to the dough with one hand while he slices the circle into even wedges with the other. HARRY eyeballs it as he cuts, and we hear several “oh shoot”s as the occasional piece comes out wildly uneven. They roll the wedges with the utmost precision, and the montage concludes with CEDRIC popping his perfect trays into the oven.]

CEDRIC: Can’t get better than that. And now we wait. 

HARRY: [crouched in front of his oven, nose pressed almost to the glass] And now we wait.

DRACO: [aside] I’ve done the best I can, and it all comes down to the bake. If that’s not enough, then I don’t know what I could’ve done better. [He pauses, then a frown overtakes his face.] Well, maybe I could’ve chilled the dough a few more minutes. I did 1 hour and 47 minutes, when I really wanted to do 2 full hours, but Potter had already taken his out, and I figured I’d need the extra 13 minutes at the end to plate them, which is probably more important that the slight texture difference would be… But now I don’t know. I just don’t know.

[Another montage signals the passage of time, and they are now beginning to pull their trays out of the oven. FRED announces the 2 minute mark with manipulative camera cuts that make it look like everyone is way further behind than they actually are. HARRY scrapes some bubbling honey off the bottom of one of his trays and throws it back in the oven with desperate hopes that it will crispen. DRACO’s hands waver as he drops bits of gold leaf over his fruit rugelach with tweezers. CEDRIC smiles contentedly as he arranges flowers on the plate around his even batch of biscuits.]

GEORGE: And that’s time! Bakers, step away from your biscuits!

[We see frustration; we see baked goods; we see catharsis. VOLDEMORT and MINERVA stand at the judging table, waiting to taste the finalists’ signature creations.]

FRED: Cedric, why don’t you bring up your signature bake? 

[CEDRIC carries up his perfect platter of rugelach, split evenly between the two flavors down the middle. Delicate blossoms complement the biscuits and create the overall effect of elegance that it is clear the judges are looking for.]

MINERVA: [a smile breaking across her severe face] Beautiful work. These are all perfectly uniform in size, and they have quite a handsome look to them. 

VOLDEMORT: [holds one up and flicks at the bottom] Crisp – that’s good. Let’s start with the savory.

[They both take a bite, and VOLDEMORT makes intense eye contact with CEDRIC as he chews. It lasts far longer than is comfortable and is definitely part of the psychological game he plays with contestants. Eventually, he breaks the silence.]

VOLDEMORT: Delicious flavors. I don’t usually like basil, but it complements the parmesan beautifully, and the black pepper brings an edge of spiciness that keeps it from being too bland. Moving onto the sweet.

[Again, they both take a bite from the sweet rugelach.]

MINERVA: Wonderful bake, delicate flavors. It definitely feels like eating a baklava without the same crumbly effect of the pastry. 

VOLDEMORT: But it’s still buttery and moist without having a soggy bottom. That’s a win in my book – you should be proud of that bake.

CEDRIC: [beaming] Thank you, sir. I am.

FRED: Alright, Draco – why don’t you bring up your signature?

[DRACO walks stiffly to the front, carting an artisan wood-carved box with his three styles of rugelach arranged in even rows. The decoration is minimal, yet effective, and the overall appearance is very graceful.]

MINERVA: Well, it looks like you got it all finished on time.

DRACO: Yes. 

VOLDEMORT: But let’s see how those bottoms turned out. [He picks up one of each rugelach and flicks them systematically with a taloned nail.] Hmm, fairly crisp. That’s a good bake. [He leans in close so that the smell can make it up his shallow, flattened nostrils.] I’m getting a whiff of the stilton now.

MINERVA: Let’s start with the savory. [They each take a bite and chew for a not-insignificant amount of time.] I like it. I think the bleu cheese goes well with the ham, but there’s a little too much in there for me.

DRACO: Oh? [His voice is strangled and quiet.]

VOLDEMORT: I agree. The jamón is not quite thin enough, so you have to exert a great deal of energy chewing. The flavors are good though. [He reaches for the next.] Moving on… The rhubarb here is good – it pairs well with the strawberry. The bits of ginger are a nice touch.

MINERVA: Absolutely scrummy. Let’s try the chocolate. [They each bite into a chocolate rugelach.] Wonderful taste – the peppermint is coming through nicely. 

VOLDEMORT: It’s good that you used fresh – the extract would’ve been too strong for this kind of delicate cream. Very nice bake. 

DRACO: Thank you.

FRED: And last, but not least – Harry! Harry, why don’t you bring up your signature rugelach?

[Harry carries over an enormous tray of rugelach, which the audience has not seen since they were potential disasters in the oven. Now, they are laid out neatly, if a little eccentrically, in the shape of a Jewish star, with six rugelach forming each triangle. It looks surprisingly impressive, given his disorganization not five minutes earlier.]

MINERVA: Well, it does make an impact, doesn’t it?

VOLDEMORT: It does. I’ve never seen a Star of David made out of rugelach, and now I’m kind of wishing I had. We have a lot of flavors to try here, so let’s get to it. 

[They taste each of HARRY’s rugelach, pausing to praise each of his unusual combinations. The camera flashes to DRACO’s face in the background, becoming steadily more annoyed. He puts his head in his hands when they reach HARRY’s final rugelach – the wild strawberry one, bound for failure – and have only nice things to say.]

VOLDEMORT: The wild strawberry is such a delicate flavor that it really becomes a conduit for other flavors. As such, the lime juice and mint you added is really coming through – congratulations. These are all well-rounded combinations. 

MINERVA: Simply lovely. 

[HARRY beams and DRACO glowers in the background.]

DRACO: [confessional aside] _Every_ time. It’s just not fair, it’s… I can’t stand how lenient everyone is with him.

HARRY: [confessional aside] Well, that went pretty well! I wasn’t sure about the wild strawberry, so I’m glad they liked it in the end. 

CEDRIC: [confessional aside] Cho told me at home that those two recipes were winners – and she was right! I just hope I can keep up this momentum through the technical challenge.

[cut back to tent]

GEORGE: Hello bakers, it’s time for your technical challenge.

**Technical**

FRED: Your recipe today comes from Lord Voldemort – any words of wisdom for them, old man? 

[VOLDEMORT remains expressionless, standing in his signature pose with his feet shoulder-width apart and hands shoved into his crisp suit pockets. He wears the same type of suit that he wore in the men’s fashion ad that brought him even greater popularity: [the one where he appeared on a train platform and a perfectly ambiguous brand logo flashed across the screen](https://i.gifer.com/4kEp.gif). Since that time, he has only appeared on TV in his signature black suit.]

VOLDEMORT: Be quick.

FRED: Ahh, eloquent as always! Well, if that’s all, you and Minerva had best be off so we can get down to business. [He shoos them out the back of the tent, teasing, ‘Begone witch!’ and ‘Begone foul creature!’ at intervals. The judges take this with begrudging amusement and an awkward lack of haste.]

GEORGE: Now that we’ve dispelled the bad mojo from the room, it’s time to announce the challenge. Are any of you familiar with ballet? 

FRED: Ooh, ooh – I am! I think I saw The Nutcracker once! But what are you getting at, George? That’s not the technical challenge!

GEORGE: Isn’t it? I have ‘24 perfect pirouettes’ written down here…

FRED: ‘Pirouettes’ as in the _biscuits!_

GEORGE: Oh! Right. For your technical challenge, you will each be making 24 pirouette biscuits.

FRED: You have 1 hour! On your mark…

GEORGE: Get set!

FRED: Bake!!

[The bakers scramble to read their packets and ready their machines. The pressure is higher than it’s ever been before – and it shows in their demeanors. Well…in HARRY and DRACO’s, that is; a bland smile remains upon CEDRIC’s face as he flips a page while humming a holiday tune.]

GEORGE: While our contestants get their bearings, we’d like to introduce a little segment that we’ve never had on our show before: highlights and former contestant recaps! 

FRED: That sounds lovely, George. I wonder how our ragtag batch of former bakers are faring back at home?

GEORGE: I don’t know about that, but I do know we’ve had an exciting season so far. Let’s take a look at the tenuous beginnings, shall we?

[Cut to the footage of the 12 contestants’ first time in the tent. Almost everyone appears cheery, and there’s a palpable energy flowing across the room. We cut again to a montage of beautiful pies and dramatized shots of our friendly bakers putting them together. LUNA LOVEGOOD presents a pie to the camera that is bright turquoise with luminescent candy hummingbirds arranged across the top, while DRACO trims his crusts with an exacting precision. GINNY WEASLEY laughs at something GEORGE says in the background, then punches him in the shoulder; he winces and rubs at it exaggeratedly when she turns around.

Once this picturesque scene has been established, it cuts to a work station that’s almost disturbing in its messiness. At the station, an excitable young man peeks into his oven to peer at his pies. Without warning, a loud _crack_ marks the miniature explosion that sends clouds of thick, black smoke into his face, then quickly to fill the whole tent.]

SEAMUS: No – not again! [His eyebrows are singed, and the soot on his face gives him the singular appearance of an old-timey chimney sweep.] Me mum will kill me for this… 

[Overlaid above the drama now melting into slow motion, we hear FRED’s regretful tone announcing: ‘And the one leaving us this week is…(an interminable pause)…Seamus. I’m sorry buddy.’ The Irishman sobs into Fred’s shoulder before exchanging a swift, awkward hug with both VOLDEMORT and MINERVA. The rest of the contestants join a group hug, save ARGUS FILCH and SEVERUS SNAPE – the only two yet to smile with the typical excitement contestants feel upon entering the tent.]

SEAMUS: [confessional aside] They told me I would blow something up, and I was like ‘Nah, I’ve changed. I haven’t blown anything up in over a month now!’ But…in the end, they were right. [He laughs, wiping the remnants of his earlier tears off his face.] It seems that flambéing is the path set before me, and I shouldn’t ignore that any longer. I have a calling, and I must heed it. 

[The scene changes to Week 2 – which is also overlaid in text in the bottom corner of the screen, lest the audience lose track of the recap. We see flashes of contestants mixing, rolling, and decorating as they brave the obstacles of Cake Week. It reprises humorous moments, such as:]

VOLDEMORT: Morning. Tell us about your yule log.

SEVERUS: [stares an uncomfortably long time before answering in an impossibly flat tone] I’m making an ‘elixir of life’ log. The flavor, when done correctly, is said to be so delicious that it extends your life.

MINERVA: And your decoration?

SEVERUS: Decoration…[again, an interminable pause] will be minimal. 

[Cut to a shocked look on MINERVA’s face and the facsimile of a raised eyebrow on VOLDEMORT’s. He has no noticeable hair on his body, and eyebrows are no exception.]

VOLDEMORT: Well, good luck with that, mate.

[Cut back to a close-up of SEVERUS, narrowing his eyes as they walk away. A montage of cake-rolling follows in which GINNY curses over two large cracks splitting down her confection and leaking cream onto the table. SIRIUS BLACK laughs with the emcees in the background while the camera shifts its focus to the table on which his carefully-constructed sugarwork is sliding off the icing with a pointed sense of foreboding. NYMPHADORA TONKS puts the final fondant bat on her goth-punk yule log, smiling as FRED calls time. We jump once again to the judging: SEVERUS stands in front of a stark, plain roll with no decoration other than the black frosting coating it. VOLDEMORT and MINERVA exchange a knowing glance before cutting into it.]

VOLDEMORT: See, this is what I warned you about – it doesn’t _look_ like a showstopper piece. And because you didn’t add anything to it, the flavors will- [he takes a haughty bite] will… Okay, that’s actually quite nice. But the frosting- [he stabs more onto his spoon and takes another bite] is…actually very good as well. 

[The corner of SEVERUS’ lip raises in a disdainful curl. We cut to the judging for HERMIONE GRANGER. Before her sits a perfectly uniform roll with tidy decoration on top. The judges cut it and try a bite.]

MINERVA: The flavors are fine.

VOLDEMORT: [chews while making eye contact in that uncomfortable way of his] Fine…yes. They’re _fine_ – which is the majority of the problem. They’re just _okay_ ; they’re not giving me anything. I asked everyone to make a showstopper, and what you brought me is a cake that I might get at the supermarket. Technically, it’s very well done – but there’s nothing _unique_ about it.

MINERVA: Yes, I agree. Though, the appearance is quite attractive, so good job on that front.

[Sound overlay of GEORGE announcing: ‘And the one going home this week…………..will be Hermione! Sorry, love.’ She bursts into tears and hugs everyone except for VOLDEMORT, ARGUS, and SEVERUS.]

HERMIONE: [confessional aside] It just wasn’t my _thing_ , you know? Cakes. I haven’t studied them nearly as much as some of the other desserts and breads I’ve made… If I’m being quite honest, I’m relieved – I was only trying so hard because my boyfriend’s mum is the ‘baking sweetheart of Great Britain.’ It puts pressure on me to do better, when I’d much rather be spending this time practicing for important things like my medical school exams. [She purses her lips and thinks.] Perhaps I’ll drop my extracurricular classes at Hogwarts Culinary after all – it’s not getting me anywhere, clearly, if all my dishes are ‘boring’ and ‘uninspired.’

[Cut back to the finals, in which HARRY, DRACO, and CEDRIC are starting to take their pirouettes out of the oven to roll. DRACO attempts it with gloves, but quickly finds he doesn’t have the necessary dexterity with them on and pulls them off, growling, with his teeth. HARRY merely reaches in and grabs them, hissing as the hot biscuit burns him.]

HARRY: Oh * _bleep_ *! That’s * _bleep_ *ing hot! [He continues to do just what he’s doing, though.]

[CEDRIC is curling them perfectly with the parchment paper he cut into individual segments earlier for this purpose. Unlike the others, who only manage to roll one before they harden and need to go back into the oven, he can do four in one go.]

DRACO: [muttering under his breath] Of * _bleep_ *ing course. [He glares at both CEDRIC and HARRY in turns, wincing as the biscuits burn his pale skin while he rolls.] ‘Labradors in Liverpool’ my arse…

[HARRY, having finished his sheet of biscuits, runs around to the other side of his station to grab his piping bags. DRACO, who is taking his pan out of the oven, backs into HARRY, whose velocity knocks his sheet into the air. DRACO watches in horror as several of his biscuits fall and break on the ground.]

HARRY: Oh my god – I’m so sorry!

DRACO: [quietly] Are you? 

HARRY: I really didn’t mean to-

DRACO: [looking up sharply, eyes flaring] Are you sure about that?

HARRY: What do you mean? You think I _planned_ that? [His hands clench around his piping bag, crumpling the plastic.] Well, I didn’t. And contrary to what you may think, I don’t spend all my time plotting how I can best _thwart_ you!

DRACO: Oh really? Then explain the * _bleep_ *ing crème anglaise! Explain _this!_

HARRY: I don’t _need_ to plot anything for you to make yourself look like a fool. I mean, _jamón?_ With stilton – _really?_ That’s the most un-kosher thing I’ve ever heard of!

FRED: [approaching nervously] Contestants, you have only five minutes left…

DRACO: * _Bleep_ *ing brilliant, that. Five minutes, and no way to magically _conjure_ another six biscuits. 

HARRY: [deflating slightly] I could help-

DRACO: The day I accept your help is the day I _die!_

[The camera cuts to CEDRIC, who this time replaces the show’s intermittent offerings of sheep and bumblebees when the tension gets too high. His cool confidence is calming – his face, nearly as pastoral. All of a sudden, it is over, and the contestants bring up their pirouettes with a varying range of emotions. VOLDEMORT and MINERVA enter the tent, gazing critically at the biscuits laid out before them.]

VOLDEMORT: Well, we’ve got _one_ nice set. That’s something. [He is looking, of course, at CEDRIC’s.] Let’s start with this side. [He bites into one of DRACO’s pirouettes.] Hmm, good crunch. Nice overall shape…but there’s only 18 of them. We asked for 24.

[Cut to Draco, grimacing and squeezing his eyes shut as if in pain.]

VOLDEMORT: Right! On to the next one. [He peers imperiously down the tube of one of HARRY’s biscuits.] Missing filling, this one. [He looks at another. Then another.] They’re all missing filling – it looks like this baker ran out of time.

[Cut to HARRY, looking withdrawn and disappointed.]

MINERVA: Good crunch though. The rolls are a bit messy, but good overall. Let’s look at the last one.

VOLDEMORT: This one…is sublime. They’re neat, they’ve got filling, they crunch, and there’s 24 of them. They _look_ like a pirouette; they _taste_ like a pirouette – this is what we were looking for.

[Cut to CEDRIC, beaming pleasantly as the others continue looking sour.]

VOLDEMORT: Alright, in third place… [he walks in front of DRACO’s and gestures with both hands in the mechanical way that has launched internet conspiracies over whether or not he’s a cyborg from outer space] this one. Whose is this?

[DRACO raises his hand ashamedly, cheeks flushing with color.]

VOLDEMORT: Yes…well. You know what’s wrong with it. What happened to the other 6?

DRACO: There- [his voice catches, so he clears it] There was a bit of an…accident.

[VOLDEMORT simply raises his forehead muscle where his eyebrow should be before moving on.]

VOLDEMORT: Alright, in second place… [he gestures to HARRY’s] this one. Whose is this?

HARRY: Mine, sir. [He, too, looks ashamed – though he is facing it with as much bravado as he can muster.]

MINERVA: They were unfilled, and moreover, a bit messy. It looks like you ran out of time.

HARRY: Err, I did. Yeah. 

VOLDEMORT: Right. Well, that leaves this one… [he gestures to CEDRIC’s – surprising no one] in first place! 

[Everyone claps, some more begrudgingly than others. As VOLDEMORT and MINERVA go over to congratulate CEDRIC, we see HARRY glancing sheepishly at DRACO. DRACO ignores him, and when it seems he’s about to break the silence and get his attention, DRACO stands up and leaves.]

CEDRIC: [confessional aside] Of course I’m excited! Getting first in the technical is nothing to sneeze at. I was just lucky they chose a recipe I happen to bake a lot for the Granny Club; that’s all it is. It had nothing to do with ‘besting’ anyone. My fellow bakers are equally talented – they just had a bit of a rough day. 

HARRY: [confessional aside; he stares into the middle distance with a frown] I’m sorry, what was the question? 

FRED: [off screen] How do you feel you went wrong today? Do you have any plans on how to make it up tomorrow?

HARRY: Err…not really. I just… [he trails off, mind clearly not on the conversation] If I’m honest, I’d really rather not talk about this right now.

DRACO: [confessional aside] Do I think he did it on purpose? _Of course_ he did it on purpose! There’s no question in my mind. The _real_ question is: why didn’t he get penalized? If this show operated with any sense of fairness whatsoever, I’d have the opportunity to shatter 6 of his biscuits in front of _him_. Let _him_ deal with Lord Voldemort questioning the number of biscuits on his plate.

[Cut to shaky footage of the contestants and crew members leaving the tent for the day. The camera reverses for a moment so the audience can see a smiling FRED who throws a peace sign and sticks his tongue out before flipping the camera back around. Most of the crew seems to have left by now – DRACO, however, lingers, and when HARRY steps out the door, he grabs him by the front of the jacket and slams him against one of the tent’s supports. HARRY’s eyes widen, and the breath is knocked out of him.]

HARRY: Malfoy? What the * _bleep_ *?!

DRACO: [leaning in to impart as much threat in his words as possible] If you _ever_ impede my bakes again, Potter, I will come for you. _Not_ with my family’s acclaim, but _personally_. I will come for you, and I will _wreck_ you. 

[HARRY seems frozen by his words – either that, or his proximity – and after a minute of intense eye contact, DRACO releases him without another word and leaves. HARRY continues to lean against the tent long after he’s gone, saying nothing – eyes distant and considering.]

**Showstopper**

[Cut to the tent again, the next day. Everyone looks slightly refreshed from the time between yesterday’s grueling tasks and now, though there is still a nervous tension in the air. This is it – the final challenge; the bake that decides it all.]

GEORGE: Welcome contestants, welcome Voldemort and Minerva! And welcome to your final. Showstopper. Challenge.

FRED: Today is the day the gingerbread people came out to play – and we’re going to create a place for them to do so, because today you’re making 3D landscapes out of gingerbread!

GEORGE: As if that weren’t hard enough, the gingerbread landscapes have to capture a scene or a sense of what Christma-...the _holidays_ mean to you! [MINERVA looks vaguely surprised by the reminder that other holidays exist beyond a good Scottish Christmas, and it cuts to a well-timed shot of Jewish cultural ambassador HARRY rolling his eyes.] You have four hours, bakers! On your mark-

FRED: Get set!

GEORGE: Bake!!!

[The bakers scramble to wield their weapon of choice: the mighty Kitchenaid. Grit and determination show on their faces as they set their jaws and buckle down for one more round of battle – the only way they know how. With the scene set, it cuts back to FRED to introduce some more recaps.]

FRED: Well, this is going to take a while, so let’s remember some of our fallen former contestants in the meantime, shall we?

[Cut to an array of puddings – some firm and proud, some sagging dejectedly. In the corner of the screen, it reads, ‘Week 3: Saucy Puds.’ Down below that text, there is a sub-note, almost too small to read: ‘Contestant Argus Filch was sadly eliminated between weeks 2 and 3 due to multiple food safety violations.’ It cuts to VOLDEMORT, looking very sanctimonious as he professes his expertise on ‘saucy puds.’]

VOLDEMORT: I’ve seen and tasted the best – I’ve _made_ the best. It’s going to be hard for them to impress me.

MINERVA: [confessional aside] They call Voldemort the ‘King of Saucy Puds’ – and for good reason. He has years of experience studying them, baking them, and tasting them. They’re not going to get anything by him when it comes to the veracity of their bake. 

FRED: Yeah, I’ve heard him called the ‘King of Saucy Puds’ when new people come on set sometimes. It’s always a bit of a surprise to remember that old Voldie’s got international acclaim in the field when you’re working with him every day…

GEORGE: Personally, I think the nickname is a little embarrassing, but-

[Cut to a montage of puds being boiled, baked, and decorated. The foreshadowing is heavy-handed as RON’s collapses to the tune of dramatic music as he pulls the mold off in the last minute. His eyes are swimming with the ghosts of puddings past, and you can see the moment the light leaves them and he comes to terms with his fate.]

VOLDEMORT: What’ve we got here? [They’re in the judging round now, and he’s come to a stop still several feet away from RON’s station. RON goes very still.] What’ve you done to it?

RON: Err, it wasn’t quite set, you see, and…

VOLDEMORT: [taking a menacing step closer] And you didn’t think that a pud of that size would require extra time to cook? How long did you put it in – 30? 40 minutes? It needed _at least_ 55!

RON: Right! I’m…sorry, sir.

VOLDEMORT: If you aren’t going to respect yourself, then at least respect the pud!

MINERVA: Voldemort, please!

[Overlay of GEORGE’s voice announcing, ‘And the person going home this week is………Ron! Rotten luck, brother mine. Time to go home and do your share of the dishes.’ RON doles out his hugs looking both shocked and like he’s endured some unspeakable loss.]

RON: [confessional aside; speaking faintly] Mum’s going to kill me… She told me I’d better make it to the finals, or I could kiss my chances of inheriting her Yorkshire pudding recipe goodbye. She’s never shared it with me – even when I begged her in fourth year for a cooking contest. Now I’m never going to get my hands on it… [He looks a bit green as a realization washes over him.] Heck, she might even give it to _Fred_ before me! Or _Percy!_

[Cut to a montage of bread rising, bread deflating, and bread being cut into warm, thick slabs. In the corner, it reads, ‘Week 4: Bread.’ The camera focuses on eccentric TV personality and bread specialist, SIRIUS BLACK, as he kneads his dough with a certain winsome flair. Behind him, SEVERUS works methodically and glaringly – even the most unaware of audience members can tell that there is bad blood between the two professors from Hogwarts Culinary. SNAPE snaps his dough on the table with a thwack, taking on the most violent of the bread-kneading techniques as if it’s his new religion.]

FRED: [offscreen] So what’s the deal with you and Severus?

SIRIUS: [confessional aside] Snivellus? Hah, he’s just mad that my bread chain does better than his – that, and I don’t need to kill myself with work to make it so. His bakery tanked, and then he was forced to become a professor for money. You know what they say: if you can’t do, _teach_. Anyway, with me it was totally different. Hogwarts is my alma mater, and they said they’d be honored to have me come back and give a few classes in ‘business strategies for culinary entrepreneurs.’ Since I’ve been so successful and all.

SEVERUS: [confessional aside] Sirius Black is a _fool_. He thinks his success is predicated upon talent, but in reality, it is built on luck and an unfortunate case of mass hysteria that led the public to view him as someone that many would feel compelled to describe as…‘ _handsome_ ’ [spittle flies from his mouth in his utter disdain]. Not only did Black start up a bread franchise right next to my independent bakery and lower his prices to criminal levels with his outsourcing, he also did so after doing _reconnaissance_ in my store and conversing until I divulged that profits were down that month. Sirius Black ruined my _life_ – and I will stop at nothing to return the favor.

[Cut to SIRIUS laughing and goofing off with the emcees once more. In the foreground, a perfect loaf of challah lies cooling on the rack. We cut again – this time to GINNY, who is staring into her oven with a disgruntled expression on her face.]

GINNY: It’s not nearly done! I’m going to run out of time… [She glances around at the stations around her where the other bakers are patiently waiting for their breads. DRACO pulls his out of the oven, and it is perfectly golden-brown and ready.] * _Bleep_ * I’m going to turn it to 220°. 

[Cut to The Judging. MINERVA and VOLDEMORT stand in front of what appears to be a charred block of cinder on GINNY’s serving plate. She smiles brightly despite the tension of the situation.]

MINERVA: Oh dear. And what, exactly, happened to this loaf?

GINNY: It wasn’t going to be done on time, so I figured a healthy brown glow would be better than serving ‘raw dough.’ I know how Voldemort hates that ‘raw dough.’

VOLDEMORT: [grumbling] I _do_ hate raw dough…

MINERVA: Let’s have a taste, shall we? [They do, and their faces twist with surprise.] Is that…

VOLDEMORT: Pineapple? It’s incredible…how much this flavor combination _does not work_. See, sometimes contestants bring us a dish that is severely overcooked on the outside, yet the flavors inside redeem it. I can say with certainty that there is _absolutely nothing redeeming_ about this loaf.

MINERVA: I quite agree. You’re a creative baker, Ginevra, but impatient. And also sometimes a little _too_ creative for my octogenarian tastes.

[Voice overlay announcing, ‘And the one leaving us this week will be……….Ginny! Sorry sis!’ She jumps from her stool, brushes off her jeans and gives out a few brief goodbye hugs.]

GINNY: [confessional aside] It’s a little annoying to be going home so early, yeah. But at least I can say I made it further than Ron! [She laughs.] No, but it was a fun experience, and I just got too frustrated with the fiddly bits to continue on. Also, I don’t think Minerva and Voldemort liked my red chili pineapple panettone!

[Cut to present, in which the finalists are putting their gingerbread doughs in to chill. VOLDEMORT and MINERVA approach CEDRIC alongside GEORGE to hear about the showstopper.]

GEORGE: Hey there, mate! What’ve you got planned for us today?

CEDRIC: So I’m planning my 3D landscape around the fields and tent where we are now, with me and Cho in the center. I’m actually going to use this piece to propose to her, so the gingerbread-me will be holding up the real engagement ring to gingerbread-Cho amidst a winter wonderland.

GEORGE: By golly – a proposal! Congratulations, mate! [turns to look into the camera] We’ll have to make sure we get _that_ on tape.

MINERVA: Oh how lovely! I think it’s a splendid idea. Is she here for the picnic today?

CEDRIC: She is! I’m going to present it to her right after we’re done. So I’m hoping to do so as winner.

VOLDEMORT: Let’s just hope it tastes as good as it looks. [He seems subtly irritated by the grandiosity of the gesture – like the audience will crucify him if he’s too critical of such a romantic enterprise.]

[It seems he is not the only one who is annoyed, as we cut to DRACO, who has clearly overheard their conversation from his bench. His eyebrows pinch together even more than they had already, and the effect is a permanent line of disapproval etched into his forehead. MINERVA, VOLDEMORT, and GEORGE walk into frame.]

GEORGE: Hiya Draco! What’s cooking?

DRACO: [dryly] Nothing yet. [At the long pause, he schools his expression into one of forced professionalism and continues.] Ahh, you mean for my landscape? Yes, today I’m going to make a gingerbread replica of the Bourges Cathedral in France. My family used to visit it during the holiday season, when the view was at its most exquisite, so that’s what I’m drawing on for today’s theme.

MINERVA: That sounds like an ambitious project. How many biscuits do you need to cut to make the structure?

DRACO: …246.

VOLDEMORT: _246?_ Will you have time for all that?

DRACO: I should… [He trails off, eyes catching on the bench in front of him where we know HARRY is working. His eyes narrow, and he straightens his shoulders.] No, I will. I’ll make sure of it.

[Cut to HARRY, who is editing his architectural designs as his gingerbread chills. He is less enthusiastic today, though still less dour than DRACO.]

GEORGE: Harry! Tell us the biscuit plans you’ve got there.

HARRY: Ah, okay. Yeah…so I’m planning to recreate a fun winter day I had with my family this year. I’m going to do an ice-skating rink out of caramel, and then I’ll make gingerbread men of me and all of the Weasleys amidst our various winter activities.

GEORGE: Does that include me and Fred?

HARRY: [smiles slightly] You know that it does. 

GEORGE: Gee – I can’t wait to see what ridiculous slander you’ll perpetuate in biscuit form! 

VOLDEMORT: Are you doing more than just a pond? So far your designs seem rather simple.

HARRY: I’m planning to make some trees out of sugar work as well. But yes, it’s supposed to be rather simple, so the focus remains on the important part – me with my family.

[MINERVA looks touched, but VOLDEMORT seems to be holding back an eye roll at the blatant sentimentality. DRACO is _not_ holding back, and we see his eyes fly skyward followed by some choice muttering to himself. When HARRY glances back at him though, he feigns attentive interest in his layouts and molds.]

GEORGE: Spiffy. Why don’t we check out a few more recaps before our next check-in?

[The recap rolls through the remaining weeks, eliminating NYMPHADORA for her unappreciated gothpunk aesthetic, SIRIUS for his cavalier disregard for details like bake time, SNAPE for his indirection after finally conquering SIRIUS, and – finally – LUNA for an unfortunate yet not unpredictable mistake in which she mixed up sugar and salt and served the judges the most savory fruitcake of their years. Our hearts break all over again for the last one, as LUNA has been a fan-favorite since the beginning, with clever flavor combinations and adorable animal-themed decorations. Her departure has also left us to the mercy of male stupidity, as the remaining sausagefest has descended into histrionics beyond the scope typical of this show.]

[It cuts back to said bakers when LUNA’s slow-mo reprise has concluded. HARRY and DRACO look even sourer than before as their chilling period verges into its second hour. CEDRIC sips happily at a cup of tea – and seems to be perusing a wedding catalogue while he’s at it?]

HARRY: Jesus Christ, how much longer? [He checks his timer with morosity.] Twenty minutes to go.

DRACO: That eager to put together your _perfect_ little gingerbread family? [He clearly thinks that the cameras are otherwise occupied, and he flushes when he notices one has caught him. If the scene from their classroom is anything to go by, DRACO has put on quite the performance of politeness during his time on this show. Now – with only CEDRIC and HARRY there with him, and nothing nameable to do – he can’t help reverting to his old self.]

HARRY: I’ve told you before, _Malfoy_ , my family isn’t _perfect_. And I’d appreciate it today if you left it at that.

[HARRY has proven to be not great at de-escalation, so this is clearly the best he can do. DRACO huffs and leaves it alone, eyeing the camera in turns with suspicion. We cut to the moment they’re all pulling their doughs out of the freezer.]

HARRY: [aside] It’s looking pretty good, actually. I was expecting it to be softer, and then I’d have to put it back until it was firm enough to hold. 

[DRACO blushes inexplicably at the phrasing but works steadily at stamping out spires for his building. As he works, he accumulates an impressive spread of biscuits and begins baking several trays in order to free up more room at his station.]

CEDRIC: [aside] Ahh, brilliant! [He is carving out gingerbread-Cho’s features with the world’s smallest scalpel. It looks undeniably like her, and we only hope that it will retain its shape in the oven.]

[The biscuits go in, the biscuits come out – over and over for the next 40 minutes. In that time, DRACO has taken over a second work bench to spread his pieces out to cool. HARRY pours caramel onto his base biscuit for the lake and begins frizzing trees out of the remaining sugar in the pot. They work like madmen, and if it weren’t for their harried frustration, the scenes of CEDRIC would convince you that it’s a leisurely day.]

FRED: Bakers! You’ve got 30 minutes left – _30 minutes!_

HARRY: [aside] Finally! This is my last tray of biscuits coming out now.

DRACO: [aside] I’ve just got one more round of trays to go, should be done in about 10 minutes. [He checks his watch and looks vaguely sickened by what he sees.] Make that 8.

CEDRIC: [aside] My biscuits? Yeah, they’re all done and cut. Just assembling it all now. [The camera zooms in on his perfectly manicured hands making perfectly amber caramel to glue it all together. Detailed miniatures of him and Cho smile from the cutting board just beyond.]

HARRY: * _Bleep_ *! Ginny’s leg broke off. [He scrambles to glue it back together with caramel, but finds that the remains of his previous batch have hardened. * _Bleep_ * it – I’ll have to make a new batch. [A dangerous thought comes across his face.] Or maybe… [He sets the used pot back on the stove to reheat it – going against all principles of making a proper caramel.]

DRACO: 48, 49, _50_ , 51, 52, 53… There’s supposed to be 54 windows on this side – where’d the 54th go?! [He sticks a sugar glass window into the empty spot on the spire without the extra piece.] No time to find it. 

[At this point, HARRY has most of his gingerbread Weasleys in position across his winter landscape, complete with fiery icing hair and each of their distinctive fashions. CEDRIC’s is nearly finished as well, and he spends his remaining time icing snow onto his multi-tiered ginger pine trees. DRACO, however, is nowhere near finished and cements his gingerbread cathedral together at a dizzying pace. His stress is almost palpable, and we see HARRY glancing back at him at frequent intervals, seeming almost like he’s hesitating to speak.]

FRED: Five minutes, bakers! Five minutes until your final showstopper must be completed at the end of your bench! 

[The montage has shifted to show precarious biscuits and little bits of icing breaking off. The dramatic music has risen to fever pitch, and at the center of it, DRACO arranges his cathedral towers against the walls. But the sugar isn’t taking. Instead of cementing the pieces, they’re sliding, and the audience can only watch with bated breath at the collapse until-

Suddenly there is another set of hands entering the frame. They grip the sliding pieces, and – together with DRACO’s – manage to stabilize the fragile confection. The camera zooms out, and we see HARRY – huffing like he’d just sprinted over, and cheeks flushed and rosy to match. His eyes are glued determinedly on the cathedral, where they remain when he asks:]

HARRY: What do you need me to do? I can hold the pieces – just keep going!

[DRACO, who has frozen in shock, with wide eyes trained on HARRY, suddenly snaps back into himself and refocuses. His hands begin to move again, adding more sugar to the fault lines and attaching more ornate pieces to the outer edges. With a deep breath, he lifts the roof, eyes flicking to HARRY for only a brief moment before continuing.]

HARRY: Easy…

DRACO: [quietly] Done. [And it is – somehow, it’s _actually_ been finished on time.]

FRED: Annnnnnd that’s it, gents! Your final showstopper has reached its fraught and fantastic conclusion!

GEORGE: Please bring your bakes to the ends of your benches.

[The rest from there proceeds as normal. Judging commences in its usual way, though instead of following the praise for CEDRIC, DRACO instead stares astonishedly after HARRY. We can almost see the thrum of adrenaline draining from his veins as he looks more and more puzzled about recent events by the second.]

MINERVA: …and such, simply a wonderful bake! Extravagant. You should be proud to propose with that piece.

VOLDEMORT: [reluctantly] Yes, this is one of the best gingerbreads I’ve had the pleasure to encounter. [He eyes the mini Cho and Cedric and seems put out that MINERVA made him try a tree instead.] And the decoration is well-executed, though it is too cutesy for my tastes.

CEDRIC: Thank you! [He is unaffected by VOLDEMORT’S cynicism.]

FRED: Draco – will you bring up your showstopper?

[DRACO nods and, without thinking, looks at HARRY who raises a brow then grabs the other side of the platter without prompting. DRACO looks suddenly flustered, but, somehow, they manage to get it to the judging table without it toppling. The effect is truly magnificent.]

VOLDEMORT: You actually completed one of your bakes on time, it looks like. Though [his eyes fall on HARRY] you had a bit of help, I see.

MINERVA: Truly breathtaking from a distance, though up close I can see it’s missing several windows.

VOLDEMORT: [analyzes it closely for a long stretch of time] I can still see your father’s style in this work. [He glances up to notice DRACO stiffen.] _However_ …there are flourishes here that are your own, and they transcend the work you’ve brought us thus far – good job. [He cuts a piece with his talon-like nail, forgoing the proffered knife.] Yes, very crisp; a good hint of clove.

MINERVA: Really very delicious. 

VOLDEMORT: You’ve done well today, Draco. I can’t say I was expecting it, but it seems like you learned an important lesson at a very opportune time. [He glances fleetingly over at HARRY, and DRACO follows suit with a nervous gulp.]

FRED: And last, but not least, Harry! Harry, why don’t you bring up your showstopper for us?

[HARRY brings it front and center, and it looks sweet and creative – if not 100% done.]

MINERVA: Well, isn’t this a nice scene?

VOLDEMORT: It looks a bit hurried to me. There’s icing missing on some of the trees over here, and the figures weren’t held in place long enough – see here, one is sagging. 

MINERVA: The family members are all very well done though. I can easily pick out Molly on the sidelines of the pond, and Fred and George throwing snowballs at their elder brother. [She points at the scowling, bespectacled ‘Percy.’] Overall, a very clever scene with a lot going on. It just looks like you missed a chance to touch it up at the end.

[HARRY nods, though he doesn’t look terribly heartbroken by this news at all.]

VOLDEMORT: Gingerbread is good. Caramel is good…except for this bit over here. [He points to the re-melted bit by Charlie’s feet.] This bit is _irritated_. [He says this with a straight face, like his first job is as a sugar-whisperer.]

MINERVA: Alright, thank you.

HARRY: Thank you.

[It cuts to outside the tent, where they’re all being interviewed one last time.]

CEDRIC: [confessional aside] It went splendidly – the best I could have done. And I think I’m ready for the next step as well.

DRACO: [confessional aside] I, er… Was I _expecting_ it, did you say? No, I’d rather say not. [He glances off to the side searchingly, before looking back at the camera.] Sorry – what was the second part?

HARRY: [confessional aside] My body just kind of moved on its own. I mean, sure, I knew he was struggling, but it wasn’t until the moment the sides were collapsing that I realized I was going to help. [He, too, glances behind him like he thinks he might catch sight of DRACO.] Erm, anyway, no – I don’t regret it. I think it’s important to help people when they need it, even if it’s someone you generally dislike or find infuriating or… [He trails off, cheeks pinkening. Unsubtly, he clears his throat and tries again.] Are we good? For the interview-thing? It’s just, I’ve got to…

DRACO: [confessional aside] Yes, I _appreciated_ it – what are you getting at? It’s not like he… It’s not like _I’m_ suddenly going to be _grateful_ to the git, just because he stepped in at my moment of need. It’s not like… I mean, he was already done with his, wasn’t he? Sure, it looked a little unfinished, and he could’ve probably used those last few minutes to put final touches on his showstopper, but… Oh * _bleep_ *, I get it already, you can stop filming this travesty.

[Cut to the contestants processing outside with their wonderful gingerbread constructions between them. Rows of picnic tables are set out in the open, snowy field, and heat lamps glow interspersed amidst former contestants, friends, and family. They break into cheers when the trio come into the light.]

MOLLY: Harry! You’ve done beautifully – now let’s see that ice rink up close. 

[HARRY goes over to join his family, who take up several long tables all on their own. GINNY scruffs him on the head, and RON gives him a hearty slap on the back.] 

[It cuts to DRACO, who shares an awkward embrace with his mother, and then a jerky nod at his expressionless father. They sit alone at the far table, clearly out of place amidst this crowd.]

[CEDRIC is engulfed by a sea of friends, family, and admirers, and he chats jovially with all of them, before turning to kiss Cho on the cheek. The scene cuts to an interview montage where former contestants place their bets on who will win.]

NYMPHADORA: It’s Cedric. It’s gotta be.

SIRIUS: Well, if I was still in the running, then I’d say me, but as it is… Yeah, it’s going to be Cedric.

SEVERUS: Cedric.

LUNA: It’s a competition? I thought we were all baking for fun!

HERMIONE: I don’t want Harry to know I’m saying this, but I know for certain it’s Cedric. I’ve tallied his technical prowess, and it’s just not possible that it’s anyone else.

GINNY: Let me think… Hmmmm. No – just kidding! It’s obviously Cedric.

[The contestants are called back to the front for the final judging. It seems HARRY and DRACO have not had a moment yet to hash things out, as they keep stealing questioning glances at one another. In front of the tent, MINERVA holds the coveted prize cake stand, while VOLDEMORT holds a pretty bouquet.]

FRED: Thank you all for coming today! We’ve had a phenomenal season of holiday baking from the students and staff at Hogwarts Culinary – but the time has come for us to announce a winner. 

GEORGE: The judging was especially hard this round, seeing what’s resting upon it, but after careful consideration, the judges have decided that this round’s champion will be…

FRED and GEORGE: [in unison] Cedric!!!

[CEDRIC beams, and immediately falls down on one knee. He holds up the ring he’s retrieved from his biscuit and swivels so his eyes land on Cho in the crowd. Miraculously, they are mimicking the exact posing of his gingerbread figures in relation to their persons, the field, and the tent.]

CEDRIC: Cho! Will you marry me? [The response is lost in the catastrophic excitement that this is happening – and happening _on air_. But it seems like a yes, because she is then launching herself at him and they’re kissing, and twirling, and then breaking into choreographed dance.]

[The camera refocuses on HARRY and DRACO to gauge the losers’ reactions, and yet they are not at all what we might expect. DRACO looks wryly disappointed, like he can’t decide whether he’s upset or amused, and HARRY is shouting something to him over the noise – to which he nods, and suddenly they’re slipping away through the crowd.]

[It cuts to FRED, throwing another peace sign and sticking out his tongue, before he flips the camera around and trails HARRY and DRACO shakily to their hiding spot behind the tent. Their positions are oddly reminiscent of this time yesterday, only today there’s one major difference – they’re _snogging_. DRACO pushes HARRY up against the tent support, caging him in between his hands, and HARRY’s hands are busy grasping DRACO to pull him closer. It’s a far cry from the crème anglaise debacle that shook the student body to its core, and they must be thinking so too, for HARRY pulls away for a moment to laugh. 

Enraptured, DRACO wipes some icing from HARRY’s cheek, and – almost an afterthought – he licks it from his thumb and says, ‘Hey, that’s mine.’ His voice is quiet and full of wonder, and FRED backs away and around the corner before he’s noticed and inevitably ruins the moment.]

FRED: [whispering, a bit smug] Well, it looks like that’s another mystery resolved. Take care, my friends, and – as always – bake on!

[Fade to black.]

**Author's Note:**

> This work was betaed by not one but TWO Jews 😂  
> So thank you to [GallifreyIsBurning](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyIsBurning) for editing and my partner [private_eyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/private_eyes/pseuds/private_eyes) for some inspiring ideas! (Also, shoutout to [nerdyskeleton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyskeleton/pseuds/nerdyskeleton) for brainstorming ideas for the contestants and their baking demeanors around a year ago LOL!)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed all the GBBO humor. The world needed this, even if it wasn't ready.
> 
> xoxo


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